HOW TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS LATE

Determine if your late friend is always late, or just sometimes. Is he late for work and flights? If he is late for everything, even the things he likes, these steps may not work. If you know that the late party is usually on time for trains, work, other people, but are late for just you, then you know he has an A list, and a B list of people who can and can't be left waiting.

Make arrangements so that you are not dependent upon them. Never let the late party be responsible for transportation, or be in possession of "the tickets".

When setting up the date/appointment, determine a time you will meet, and if you can, a grace period - "If you are not there by 5:30, don't worry, I'll just go ahead without you. I know how hectic your life is."

Let them know it is perfectly OK to be late - and that you will understand. No threatening. No sarcasm. If they say "no, wait for me," ask how long you should wait. If they say, "I won't be late," just say "OK." You are agreeing that they won't be late. When they do not show by your predetermined "grace period" (15 minutes? 30 minutes?), leave.

Leave a note on the door, or (voice mail) that reads " Dear _____, I am sorry that you weren't able to get here. I waited 15 minutes, and called, but I couldn't get you on the phone. Since I wasn't sure how much later you would be, I went ahead without you. I hope that everything is OK, and that it's not something serious. I'll see you at the play/movie/ party." Sign nicely.

If you are a coward, you don't have to give prior warning. In fact, if this has gone on for years, you may need to leave without announcing, for your own self-esteem. But be sure to leave the very nice, kind, concerned note.

Be prepared for them to fuss and accuse. Be solicitous "poor thing - let me get you a glass of wine - here put your feet up. Sounds like you had a hard day. I'm sorry you missed the play. It was great. You would have loved it. What bad luck. Maybe you can go another time. Let me rub your shoulders for you." But don't apologize, or defend your action. Do not resort to "if only you called." If anything, kill them with kindness.

Tell them to be there, half an hour earlier than actual time. For example, if a movie starts at 8, tell them it starts at 7:30. Show up at 8 yourself.

Tips

If you know you have to wait, arrange to meet them at a bookstore or library, where you don't care if they are late.

Actions speak louder than words. No empty threats. That's why nagging doesn't work. It's saying and doing 2 different things.

If the late party asks you to "wait for me, I'll be there soon," don't. Blithely say, Oh, it's no problem. I'll just go ahead and go, and I'll meet you there."

Don't nag, lecture, or blame. They like you to nag. It proves you love them, and missed them, and that your life revolves around them. Work for indifference. You are not dependent on them to be on time. You have a great time without them. Because if you don't, they'll know they can blow you off, and you will forever be waiting on their B list.

Don't give them an opening for an argument. Frequently, arguing is their forte. They can outlast you, and winning an argument, or them feeling justified, is another reward for being late that you need to deny them.

This method is best for those who are never late for work or clients, or golf, but just certain family members or friends.

Chronically late people can often be SPs and NPs on the Myers Briggs type indicator. They need lots of flex time and freedom, and autonomy. Being late can be their way of ensuring you do not desert them, while they are out playing. They frequently overbook themselves, wanting to go to both the party and play golf. For ESTPs, arguing may be their way of connecting emotionally to those they love. They are also competitive, so that it can become a fun game, to see if they can cut the time so close, but not miss you. My son once asked, "aren't you going to wait for Dad to order food?" I replied, "no, because then it wouldn't be fun for him."

During this whole process, always be kind, polite, and solicitous. Never resort to blaming, accusing, or lecturing. Be genuinely concerned for their well being.

Warnings

If you tell them to be there half an hour earlier than the actual time, as mentioned above, you might find every once in a while that they are actually on time and they will accuse you of being late.

The trick described above (telling someone to be there earlier than you really want so when they're "late" they're really on time) only works a couple of times. Eventually they figure out what you're doing and make their OWN time adjustment: "He told me 7:30, but he really means 8." (They'll show up at 8:30, just like before.)

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