SeLf ReFleCTioN

I was very very sad for the past few days for no reason. Everything seems not right. Evil thoughts started to occupied my mind.... I was feeling restless & angry too for nothing.... Tears was at the corner of my eyes at all times.... I was finding faults, putting the blame on something.... getting angry on something... and of course, something which is so dear to my heart became my target.... I was upset, I was about to give-up on something.... I was mad with my dearest husband, i was counting his fault, i was counting every single flaw in my marriage.... I know, i got carried away.... it was the moment, the moment when things doesn't look right, the moment when you feel down & discourage.... the moment when the satan is getting control of your life.

I know that, i notice that.... I was praying harder... I asked Allah for that moment of sadness, of discourage, of giving up.... I asked for guidance... I surrendered to Him... I can't handle it anymore.... I was drowning in my own thoughts, my own evil thoughts... I cried, I begged Him for help, I called for Him the moment I was going to fall.... I was alone in my own thoughts, my own misery which was nobody's fault except me.... I let it grow inside me for no reason at all.... 

Then Sunday (2/4/17) came... as usual I went for the Dhuha Classes... During the talked which centred about hikmah from each trials from Allah, ustazah asked "is our husbands beautiful?".... None of the jemaah said anything.... it was quiet.... ustazah repeated the questions 3 times..... and finally she said "meaning all of us having problems with our husbands...", follow by a roar from the jemaah,

Then ustazah said.." lets talk about this & settle this now. Our husbands has so many flaws & weaknesses & because of that, we turn to Allah for strength for guidance.... we seek Allah's help.... we pray harder, we dua' more, we dzikir, we selawat, we go back to Allah.... ain't our husbands beautiful? He is beautiful, our husbands are beautiful....because he lead us to a beautiful place, he opened the door to where we are suppose to go..." I looked around, all the jemaah nodded their head. Me.... I cried, tears falling down my face.... Allah have answered my prayers.... He answered me immediately... How I was blinded by the whole thing, how I allowed the satan to misguided me... I didn't see the hikmah, I forgot that Allah works mysteriously.  

I took the handphone from my bag, i texted my dearest hubby "you are beautiful sayang, thank you for everything..."

And before that, I already texted hubby, asking him what time he will be home & he didn't reply me immediately, which it really boiled me.... then after what ustazah said, i was feeling better. 

Then hubby replied my messages, will be back for lunch.... so i left the mosque, rushed to buy lunch for us. I was feeling relieved from the evil thoughts in my head.... let go let go.... I thanked Allah for the guidance, for the realisation.... 

I reached home, hubby called, telling me he will be late, asked me to eat first since he had to attend to some family matters... I was a bit sad, then i realised.... only about half an hour ago, I swear to have faith in Allah, to rely on Him alone, to believe in Him.... and now, Allah is testing my faith.... am I really sincere?... it was small, but it was actually big.... that small little thing can create unpleasantness, can caused us to quarrel.... realising it, I accepted the trials, I know Allah is showing His love for me.... He wants me to be better, to believe in Him.... alhamdullillah.

When hubby came back, i hold him tight, whispering alhamdullillah, alhamdullillah, alhamdullillah into his ear. His expression was like "what happened..." 

After lunch, I explained to him about the text, about the dhuha classes (hubby never failed to asked what was taught during classes)... I told him how i felt, what was bothering me.... 

Alhamdullillah.... what was taught in Dhuha classes giving me the opportunity to talked to hubby... to make him understand my situation..... 

May Allah will always guide us through, every single moments in our marriage till Jannah... and in whatever our affairs... Aamiin, aamiin, aamiin.